New Website

http://www.wix.com/smithcomposer/nicholas

Walt Wilkins Theme

I guess I am saying: Politicians do not really know what is happening. Everyone else runs their lives as they should.

12.07.10

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But sometimes the eye can see what is not there. And sometimes the eye doesn't see anything at all.

50)

Wondering
At
Lost
Thought

Wallowing
In
Laborious
Kinds
Inside,
Narrow
Sight

Walking
Around
Lodging
Tonight

Wishing,
Intellectually,
Lights
Killed
Into
Nearby
Stairs

Woodcutters
Always
Load
Tough

"Waves
Illuminater,
Lambs,
Kick
Idly,"
Noticeably
Said

Water
Allocates;
Land
Tangles

Wages
Intensify
Like
Kites,
Inversely,
Near
Sales

49)

I arrived at home, where I will be spending the next 4 months, and immediately began thinking about what I should be working on. At first I rearranged my room, as I always do when I return home, and positioned my working space in front of the only window in my room. I knew by the end of the summer it would feel like I was in a tree house, but right now it still feels like I am looking out on a new world that is unsure of itself: cold, yet green with life; dark, but light enough to illuminate everything.

I sit looking out on this world that I know will change. I am sure without a doubt.

But back to what I want to write this summer. Last summer I attempted to write a standard string quartet. I was a little more aimless last summer, so this time I knew I needed something to keep me grounded. The idea of a programmatic piece came to mind. I spent a couple hours scouring images in my room and on the internet, but to no avail. As I was in the middle of my scouring the power went out. So I listened/studied the Rite of Spring by candlelight: a powerful example of supreme orchestration. I read then went to bed at 9.15. I woke three times. Once to someone saying goodnight. Once because I was thirsty. The last time I woke up I do not remember why, but I remember what I saw. I looked out my window and saw this world covered in mist. I knew then where the program to my music would come from.

I woke up with a plan, a purpose. I would write a complete string quartet this summer based on my ideas of set theory, 12 tone theory, and division. I would also begin work on more piano sonatinas to keep my piano skills up.

I already have 4 pages of notes. More on this subject to come.

Fuhton

48)

I am finding that I am opening my ears to much. Yes, it is good to open your ears to hear the world around you. Yes, it is good to listen to thousands of recordings over and over again. Yes, it is good to listen to your fellow man's needs and desires. However to open up your ears (which means closing one's mouth) will eventually lead to an inability to open your mouth. Your ears will be so full of other people you will begin to lose the ability to hear yourself. If you try to open your mouth people will wonder why you even spoke at all.

I have encountered this twice within these last two days. I listened to these people, but I listened to closely. Their ears were not as inclined to hear my questions, answers, or comments and I encountered reproof and correction where I expected love and gratitude as I had given.

On the same subject but from a different angle, most of the people I have encountered here, that have developed socially, mentally, and spiritually here, have long wind. They talk way to much. I will ask a question and receive 7 or 8 answers from one person. Typically 1 answer does the job. I feel this is a spin off of how we are taught and grown here. We are taught by straight lecture, with few moments for interjection, comments, or questions. As a result when we engage outside of a classroom setting, we talk as if we where in charge of the classroom, winging around our intellect as if it where the most important thing in the world. Unfortunately I haven't encountered to many that I would put in high esteem.

I wish people would settle down and think before the speak. I wish they would think about what they want to say last before the begin with what they are saying. I wish they would talk quieter and only in short spouts.

People might be less confused.

Futhon

47)

Words are to great to be spoken without purpose. The majority of what I say could be erased from history without many people noticing. That's why I write music. I have a way with words that seems to make them disappear right before my eyes. I will say something, then the next second I realize I just dug a hole. I had spoken the wrong word. But I feel compelled to continue with the words I have spoken, in hopes that I may understand what my brain was trying to say. Usually this doesn't end anywhere pleasant.

I'm sick of having to change.

Futhon

46)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muAvbz-AHa0

I was just wanting to relax and listen. This melody isn't leaving me. haha. My day has gotten better because people made this music possible to be heard again and again.

Relax. Listen.

Futhon

45)

It was incredibly weird to walk out of the printers with a full manuscript of Dedication to Signal. The feeling of accomplishing such a big work was soothing. I feel like I can finally relax for a few hours. Pleasure to my senses, A weight off my mind. Performance comes soon.

Need some food and relaxation.

Futhon

44)

Remembering what we could have been is something that will only push us forward. Not only does it show us more clearly the path we are currently on, it also helps us stay firmly on that path. I am young and already I have made many decisions that keep me moving forward. If you are reading this blog I guarantee you are older than me and as a result can think of many more such instances of progression. Don't loose heart. There is always tomorrow.

More editing on Dedication to Signal tomorrow. Hopefully will get the first (rough draft of the) full score done. Excited to finish this project that began at Christmas. 6 months have lead to a very shaky first draft of this "Symphony Suite". Glad to finally move on.

Bed soon.

Futhon

43)

Currently listening to the last movement of Hindson's Violin Conerto, 6.5 minutes.

http://www.last.fm/music/Lara+St.+John/Hindson%3A+Violin+Concerto+-+Corigliano%3A+Suite+from+The+Red+Violin+-+Liszt%3A+Totentanz/Violin+Concerto%3A+Grand+Final+Day

I think I have shaken my head about every 10 seconds of this piece. I am blown away by how good the orchestration and melodic use is.

If you want to feel better about your day, listen to this.

On the down side, my finger hurts.

Futhon

42)

Tea and Granola for breakfast.

Currently trying to finish up a Suite Symphony called "Dedication to Signal". A very interesting work that has stretched much of my writing. Hoping to get at least half of it recorded. (Keep dropping granola into my lap but can't find it) This work is based on 12 tone serialism, but within a acceptable tonal landscape.
The work is a reminder to watch for signs, good or bad. If we keep our heads buried in the sand we will never know what is right or wrong. If we keep our heads above the sand they start to blur together. A middle road must be found. This Suite is a reminder to watch others, so you can see what is coming and decide if it is right or wrong.

Futhon

40)

To many good things are taken out of context. If something can exist by itself, whether a book, music, an idea, or a person, don't screw it up.

Futhon

39)

"hear any good music recently? jk
it was nice, I just prefer tonality"

I don't mean to point fingers or call anyone an Idiot, but I love when people don't understand. It makes them look like Idiots. (Whoops, just called that individual an Idiot) Quotes like this and other similar criticisms show that your simple music is to complex for a fellow music composer to understand or care to understand. Or even have the ability to listen with open ears. Shame on him. Or shame on his ability to use words.

Futhon

38)

Recently I viewed some ideas promoting the ideas of Ghandi: What you do in life may seem insignificant to you, but it is most important that you do it. I have thought this for a long time, but was not quite at the stage to understand the concept. What this blog stands for is what I believe I am supposed to be doing. I believe it is extremely important that I continue to be committed to the process. What I am doing in this life does seem insignificant, but I must do it. Nothing in this life is unpurposeful. It all has meaning. We can turn from responsibility and run from all who we are; or we can face these small overwhelming challenges and be the people we are supposed to be. By the age of 22 Ghandi had 3 children, Mozart wrote 30 symphonies, and Buddy Holly was dead. No action in life is useless or meaningless. Don't loose sight. Do what must be done.

What you do in life is important enough to be done.

Futhon

37)

Music is a funny thing. It serves those who know nothing about it, yet enslaves those who try understand it. Perhaps this is the way with all knowledge, but I can only claim that I try to understand music. Some people think they understand other things, but their measly thinking quickly leads to fault. If a person is not centered (perfectly or imperfectly) on a desire, then all their attempts to achieve it will fall by the wayside.

I spent 45 minutes listening to 4 people play instruments. 2 were only trying in the moment. 1 was on a path to understanding. And 1 was helped more than once back onto that path. All 4 were musicians, but not all of them wanted understanding.

Knowledge doesn't care about desire. Understanding leads to a confirmation of knowledge: desire.

Futhon

36)

I'm currently traveling with a singing group. We have good companionship and good taste, but beyond that we lack desire and motivation.

I have recently been working on some very specific ensemble pieces. The exactness has nothing to do with form, but more with instruments and tonal color. I am using a specific set of instruments: piano, double bass, bari sax, viola, mezzo-soprano, and flute. I am using a specific set of colors: Atonal ideas fed back into tonal music. Creates quite the blend. I am currently working on three different ideas, which means I am working with three different movements of the same work. Hopefully I will not have to start work on a fourth, but music is a mysterious thing, even more so for a person who lives with it everyday.

If you would like some quirky sound bites please email me at nicholas.smith@my.bbc.edu .

Futhon

35)

When I wake up my mind is perfectly clear. I am ready for the day. But without even moving 10 steps, pouring myself coffee, or sitting down at my piano, I have already set in motion the rest of my day.
As I lay in bed this night, I think upon all that I have accomplished today. It all began with some of the most bitter coffee I have ever made. My emotions were very obvious to me today. But I as I lay here, I am also listening. Listening to a score that is making my mind clear and free like when I first woke up. Listening to a score where I am no longer a human being, but I become the piece of art. Listening to a score that takes my emotions away for a few brief beautiful seconds, and lets me live free.

Whatever you are doing when you read this blog: Stop. Go shut your office door, put your book down, have your classroom listen to this score, stop moving and sit. Take a deep breath. And please just listen. If you have spent 10 minutes with this score please listen again. If you have spent 20 or 30 or 40 minutes with this score please just listen again. I am begging you to listen to this piece again right now. Stop whatever you are doing and listen.


http://www.last.fm/music/Henryk+G%C3%B3recki/_/Song+II+%28Lento+e+Largo%29

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when you listen to this piece with open ears, you will be held in beauty.

Futhon

34)

Correction: My writing was not drying up. I just didn't know what I was doing. The piece I have been thinking about just opened up. It is a piece for solo Flute and accompaniment that has opened its' doors to the ideas for many other pieces. As a quasi prelude, it has given rise to other instruments being able to voice their opinions and particular sounds. I think this piece will be a great opening number to my recital. All the ideas I have been mulling over I find in this piece.

This short, 1.5 minute piece holds the creative energy of a symphony. Now to control it.

Futhon

33)

I am not sure of what to think of Hindemith. Unlike most people I know I will listen to him again to be sure I heard him right and in the mean time do a little research.

Writing is drying up. To much to think about.

Class....lesson....writing....

Futhon

32)

As I work through two movements of this piece I am first overwhelmed by the amount of music that I want to write and am writing, but can never find the time to put down on paper. The relation of volume to quality is a very big "key" that I seem to be missing. I can pump out music like nobody's business, but its' quality is incredibly poor. With these pieces I still have 4 weeks to prepare them and it will take all 4 weeks for them to be ready. So far only 2 pieces are underway, but I trust that they will form themselves soon and bend themselves to my ear. I am the cause of this musical field and I must ensure its' security, originality, validity, punctuality, possibilities, program, and existence. If I am not ready to be accountable for every note, then I must delete every note.

On another note, I am beginning to hear music more clearly in my ear. A healthy dose of purposeful listening, writing, and playing has ensured this.

Work.

Futhon

31)

This mornings practice went well. Enjoyed playing Kabalevsky and Barkok. Finally feel like I am playing the piano again vs. practicing the piano. A much nicer and more needed feeling. Looking forward to what this week hold musically and emotionally.

Since I was finally playing my mind wandered over my present life and everything going on in it.

Currently I am writing a piece for small ensemble. This is turning into a massive piece (3 movs). But much, much more than that this piece (I am realizing) is going to be the basis my harmonic, rhythmic, and formal language for the next 5-10 years. This piece is the beginning of a well thought out musical dialogue with the world. Hopefully the out come is good, but who knows.

My life is being overtaken by this piece, not that I mind, so I am trying to keep myself balanced with an appropriate amount of social time. So far so good.

Hopefully you listened to the Gorecki.

Futhon

30)

After listening to 5 string quartets, I can finally say that I have begun to understand Bartok's harmonic and formal language. A long ways to go on this front...

Before you ruin your day tomorrow, start your morning with this. First 9 minutes of the day. Just sit and remain zoned out. Or get some coffee. Or stand and look outside. The bigger the sound the better the experience.

http://www.last.fm/music/Henryk+G%C3%B3recki/_/Song+II+%28Lento+e+Largo%29

29)

I started this day very focused on what I wanted to do and where I wanted to finish. I'm not sure where that finish line is, but I know the day is not over. My goal was to finish my "B" section for my ensemble piece. (Section 2 of 7 sections) This was (and is) quite the daunting challenge, but I can say that today is the first day in a long time that I have honestly sat down for 8 hours thinking about this music or other music, but always allowing my mind to be engaged in my work. It is a much different feeling than that of a typical day, where some of my peek hours are cut off by classes. I wrote a total of 180 measures of music (30 measures of 6 instruments), practiced piano, listened to some Schnittke, and studied some film scores. I am excited to continue my endeavors and reap the fruit of what I have sown.

Dinner soon. More to come.

Futhon

28)

Yesterday I was given the opportunity to be part of a master's class. The Kabalevsky was given a premature exposure but I still got some few good comments. My first two pages were horrible, but the last page redeemed the performance.

I have been listening to Bartok's String Quartets. (Currently on No. 3) It has been interesting trying to figure his harmonic language and discovering how he thought about music. I have almost given up on more than one occasion; great ideas seem to keep cropping ideas. A brilliant composer in the end. Fairly sure I heard part of Bach's Cello Solo No. 1 in Mov. 2 of No. 2. Oh well...

Lesson today. Excited for this long day.

Futhon

27)

...Why does Classical Music still matter?...

"It is no good mincing words or hiding behind a false sense of sophistication. This music still matters for the same reasons that Greek drama or Renaissance painting or modernist fiction matter: because it made discoveries we are far from done with and that are far from done with us. it has imagined forms of experience that became substantial realities in being thus imagined: forms of being, becoming, sensing, witnessing, remembering, desiring, hoping, suffering, and more.
By making such things audible, classical music enlarges the capacity of all music to attach itself, and us, more closely to whatever we care about. The tradition that tells us to listen to classical works for their own sake alone is an inadvertent betrayal of that care Music is our premier embodiment of the drive for attachment. It works, it grips or grasps us, almost with the electricity of touch, resonant, perhaps, with the primary experiences of bonding that tie us to each other and the world. Music of all kinds invokes this bonding; classical music dramatizes and reflects on it in the act of invocation.
The power to do this is tangible and exhilarating. It is the power by which we make the world meaningful. Its felt presence is the reason why we keep coming back to the works and styles through which that power runs: coming back to them as sources of pleasure and puzzlement, of self-discovery and self-bafflement. Other music also has things to say to us; there is no doubt about that. But no other music tells us the things that this music does. The Western world is not only the richer for preserving Sophocles' Antigone or Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, but different. At one time the difference was available only to a small minority, but technology has long since taken care of that. This music now belongs to anyone who cares to listen. Its fusion of knowledge and power can be demanding, even disturbing. Contrary to the tiresome slogan, classical music does not relax you. But it can transfix you, perhaps even transform you."
- Lawrence Kramer, Why Classical Music Still Matters

This is the only part of the book that he claims to have thought about. Hence this is the only part of the book worth reading.

How and why this is all possible was never satisfactorily explained to me.

Futhon

26.5)

Man I'm an idiot. When something works and produces good results, why change it? I decided to try and write in a different format, with pencil and paper as opposed to plugging everything into the computer. I was so high minded and thought my music would somehow have more power through this method. I was so concentrated on the when that I forgot the now, how, and why.

Back to punching keys and clicking things.

Futhon

26)

After I quit playing video games, I knew that something had to immediately fill that hole or else I would be driven right back to them. At first I filled the vacancy with all my music: piano, composition, listening, and reading. As I am still on this journey of soberness I have found that my music is leaning heavily on my composition. I've spent the last month prepping my mind and musical facility for what I believe to be this moment.
I have begun to work on a score for small ensemble. I'm not hoping for other movements, but I am hoping for a lengthy work. The first goal for this project is that I can harmonically justify using 12-tone serialism within a work. The second goal for this project is that I can superimpose my emotions continually into this music. I have tried this before but every time I am left unsatisfied. I go into this work with 2 quotes by my side: "Communicate experiences in singular intensity." and "An arrangement of objects in space."
I have given my self one month before the ensemble will come together and realize these ideas. This is longer than I have typically given myself, and I hope that the time given will produce the ideas desired. I am scared that this will fall on its' face. I am hopeful that this might be my first real composition.

Futhon

25)

This book is horrible. I expected something filled with reason, facts, and "science" but instead I've found personal experience, opinion, and jumbled thoughts. Although there have been a few good comments and examples, the majority of what I've read is a mix between academic speak and awkward emotions. If anything this book has left me hesitant on my authority on the subject and has filled me with a even bigger yearning for truth. One would think that a book entitled "Why Classical Music Still Matters" would have some bottom line reason, fixed arguments, and some sort of stoic form. I am not sure what to think for someone more or even less educated than myself, but I know that at this point in my musical training I find this book insightful at times, but mainly long, boring, and an overly tedious read.

Great piano lesson today. I am working through some more interesting "form" ideas. More to come on that subject.

Futhon

24)

When I finally got around to getting up and drinking my coffee I knew it would be a good practice (hopefully day as well). My coffee was somehow more full bodied and delicious than ever. Being of an unsuspicious nature I am still drinking the pot, savoring every swallow. My practice went increasingly well. All the progress I hoped for on Saturday certainly bared its' fruit today. I am very excited to see what tomorrow reveals.

Well dwelling on this topic of why this music matters, I stumbled into Borders yesterday. I was reviewing their books on (Classical) Music and found Why Classical Music Still Matters by Kramer. As you can imagine, I am now looking at this book as it sits on my desk. More to come on this subject.

I thought about my coffee (obviously) and about the potential for the pieces I have written. Much to review and jot down. Excited for today...

Futhon

23.5)

On a typical Saturday night, when I have money for gas, I go for a drive through much of Scranton and the surrounding areas to clear my head and just kinda of release in a different way than I have all week. On this particular journey I ended up at a Dunkin' Donuts with a bagel and a cup of coffee while reading Wagner's theory to conducting. I was struck by the ridiculous detail he gives to the tempo of Beethoven Symphony's, particularly his 9th. It made me wonder how much of this mattered, and then my entire theory of the importance of music was torn down in my mind. The importance of music as a cultural marker and aesthetic idea was gone. I was troubled by this (yes increasingly so) until I came on YouTube and looked at the featured and listened.

I believe that the music that has been written and will be written is for the purpose of discovery. Discovery of that child-like nature: Real Discovery. Not this immature idea of discovering love, knowledge, or culture we seem to possess today. Real Discovery is an epiphany. When we listen to music we hear the resolution to what is right, we hear the unity of a human spirit, we hear...music. When we hear what is true or realize something great we feel scales being lifted from our minds. This same feeling takes hold of us when we hear or participate in music.

I believe that the music that has been written and will be written is for the purpose of discovery. Every man is entitled to an epiphany.

Futhon

23)

I practiced today without the use of alarms pushing me onto another piece. This felt incredibly nice to sit and practice freely and creatively, focusing on certain things that required some extra time. In the end I probably should have practiced more, but time will tell. Felt good to get back in the swing of things and I hope that the pieces will form properly by tomorrow.

I thought about lining up some books on my desk to help make it less messy. Also thought about Valentine's Day tomorrow.

So much to do, so much time to do it.

Futhon

22)

Fortunately (but more unfortunately) my composition lesson was canceled today as it was last week. (Hence the unfortunate nature) Daniel (the Saxophonist) was finally practicing and invited me to come listen to him run through the sax solo I have written (and am continuing to write). He played admirably as I sunk further and further into my seat. I was appalled that I had given him the piece. On the first (and only) run through I heard 3 different measures that were not complete in form, harmonies that sounded absolutely horrible, and a complete lack of rhythmic variation. Least to say I walked out of the room, the piece in my hands, (with many scribbles on it) with my tail between my legs. Lesson of the night: Give the performer the piece even if you are not done, this grants you perspective on your compositional abilities. At best I feel like a fool tonight. Composition in the works.

Futhon

21)

I am currently working through some pieces built on the atonal harmony. As I am working out these harmonies I am also trying to stretch my form and my range capability on the piano. I am not concerned as much with dynamics, but have funneled alot of my time into rhythm.

In the hopes of better understanding my functional self I have been pushing and relaxing, trying to find the proper amount so that I can function properly as a composer and a human. Currently I'm tired.

Better hopes for tomorrow.

Futhon

20)

This morning went really well. The Bartok and Debussy went really far and I'm excited to see their progress tomorrow. My technical exercises are a little slow. I should probably spend some time on them tonight. The Kabalevsky is becoming somewhat ridiculous. My teacher has built the case for their musicality and I see some of their grace, but maybe I need to lift up my eye lids or stop practicing them. Time will tell. The Russian is dead so he is probably in the right.

I was suprisingly concentrated this morning. My thoughts dwelt on the bad coffee and thankful/wishful that I could play harder pieces. By harder I mean more notes, but then again I seem to be having trouble with just a few.

Excited for my shower, then writing, breakfast, and some more work.

Futhon

19.5)

I am afraid for this solo sax piece for I claim it to be done, but I believe that I have barely covered the first idea, and that the second greater idea is yet to be developed and exploited. My only hope is that when I hear it run through I do not hear it as a complete work, but as a work that still has something more to say.

Solo work has to much to say so that in only writing one piece I have left out the harmony, the melody, the rhythm, the counterpoint, the motive, the phrase, the style all from the work. The medium is to bare for me to make mistakes in.

If there is more to be said, I'll find a way to say it.

Futhon

19)

Finally back from a long weekend. Completely enjoyed being home and restarting my brain. Felt incredibly nice to do almost nothing. But now that I'm back... Today's hour went well, kinda. Started incredibly rough but once my fingers get their juice going again it will not be a problem. Debussy is starting to form. For the Kabalevsky I need to work on my practice order, and for the Bartok I need to practice it more. Everything is coming together.

Was concentrating on my playing much more so today. A practice order took up the majority of the rest of my thoughts. This "order" is of the up-most importance because it will determine how wide awake my brain and my fingers are for each piece.

Writing, class. Interesting day.

Futhon

18)

I decided this morning to skip the piano and opted for a few more minutes of sleep. Supposedly that made me feel better. Horribly exhausted from last's night marathon of marimba writing. The piece is finished structurally and harmonically, but I am not so sure about melodic and rhythmic. I'll be listening to it all morning and then in every spare moment I can muster before 4.

My lesson yesterday went well. I felt discouraged that morning because my playing seemed to be declining, but in the lesson he assured me my playing was getting better (finally). All in all a good lesson and excited to see where it puts me in my discovery of Kabalevsky.

Already yawning. Full day of writing ahead.

Futhon

17.5)

The read through was not perfect (far from it) but yet still produced some results. I discovered some of the problems with the notation and other such things. Nothing to much to report.

On the other hand, my rehearsal with the flautist went amazing. She killed the piece, offered some suggestions, sight read the changes (which were not written down), and then even said she liked it to more than one person. All in all I feel great about the composition and hope that the trumpet and marimba turn out as well. Bed soon. Another bigger day tomorrow.

Futhon

17)

Sitting waiting for the string orchestra to finish up so I can hear a feedback of some diatonic form of my piece. Hopefully this is not the end of my experience with this piece. I hope for much more, but my waiting is leaving me with a desire to know. I am never sure of what to think when I am faced with my music. Typically I just phase out to listen, but I am starting to become more engaged and directive up until it is ready for a somewhat passable performance.

This time I don't know. I know it won't sound perfectly in pitch, but I hope that at least the 1st violinist knows what he (or she) is doing. My hope lies in my ear being able to determine if the piece works or not.

My experience with music is beginning to become clearer, but more individualistically experienced. I am not sure what I think of this. The majority of the majors here are either crass or don't know what to put down. Maybe the other (which I have not mentioned yet) holds the future to a future collaborator. I cannot make music by myself: it is influence by those around me, no matter how hard I try not to let that happen.

And still I wait. Time will tell the future, as it will tell my music.

Futhon

16.5)

In a state of flux on almost all my compositions, which isn't good. Hoping to sum up my piece for flute tomorrow so that when I show it to the performer on Wednesday it is complete and ready for thorough examination.

I had my first encounter with a bad review from a "critic" (if such person can be called such). Instead of being the demoralizing thing that I was told it was going to be, I found more strength and resolve in it. Maybe it was their complete lack of knowledge, understanding, or care that caused them to say these words, but regardless I will still finish the piece (did I mention I wasn't even done with the work? haha) and see its'performance. I do not care for the careless words of children (musically speaking) for I am one of them. And the only way for me to grow up is to learn and understand.

With this empowerment I continue to work on the 3 compositions I am currently rushing to complete (with little luck) and hope that the future holds as much luck as my present.

Futhon

16)

A good practice. Felt poorly on the first Kabalevsky this morning, so I think I might take up a 30 minute night session to counterbalance the amount of brain power existent at that time of day. This will also allow me to practice the Bartok and the other Debussy. One in the evening and the other in the morning. The other pieces are doing well. Will just take time and some more effort.

I was very glad that this burden of temporary debt has been alleviated. Feels great to not be spending money and not to owe any for some time. Much will "go down" after my last class today, so I am very excited.

Other than that I plan to continue writing this morning, then class. Hope to finish the majority of this piece for flute before the weekend. Unfortunately the Sax solo must go on hold. The player has a burnt out mouth at the moment, so I cannot hear my next technical ideas without him.

I think I might throw all these pieces I have written and am going to write into a little conglomeration called "Experiments on Social Activities".

Futhon

15)

Took yesterday off in hopes of curbing the slight pain in my 5th finger and the muscle spasm below it. Worked mostly well. The hour practice this morning left me feeling very low. I didn't have enough time to get every done that I wanted to. I still made some progress, but not enough obvious progress to make me feel at peace. It will show tomorrow morning when I go to sit down again.

Currently reading New Music by Aaron Copland. Great read and trying to take as much of what he says with a grain of salt. Although Copland is said to the composer of the Middle Class American, I try not to think that he can completely relate to me. More thoughts on this later.

Church, writing, work, writing.

Futhon

14)

Only played for 5 minutes today. The weird feeling on the top of my pinky came back again. I'll be smart this time and not play through it. Also a weird pain in the left side of my right hand palm surfaced. This might have been my positioning but as I maneuvered around it still was there. I'll take another try at it tomorrow or on Sunday. No harm was done.

With all the thought that Stravinsky's lectures revealed I have decided to dig deeper into the trenches to see if more "enlightenment" will arise.

On a brighter note I'll be finishing up Holst's The Planets this morning. He uses such a great pallet of sound and rhythm in his pieces.

Which reminds me...I was listening to Bernstein's recordings (with the New York Philharmonic) of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue yesterday and was disgusted. Between beautiful passages of piano work there was this blaring of the orchestra. By blaring I mean like a fog horn or air horn. This wildly loud and naked sound. There was nothing in there!!! Just instruments playing as loud as they could. Where was the melody? I was lost and confused half the time because I didn't know what was happening with the instrumentation! I feel like Bernstein had the philosophy of "Conduct heavily, with a big stick". It was gross. I however do not believe that this is anyway Gershwin's fault, (perhaps the venue is wrong for Gershwin, but other than that it is the conductor) so I may attempt Gershwin's American in Paris , but only if my stomach is settled before hand.

Composition lesson today.

Futhon

13)

While I was working on my warm-up exercise this morning I notice the top section of my 5th finger on my right hand. Also the thumb was giving me some grief when I moved to diminished triads. I immediately came to the crossroads of stopping the practice there or pushing through the pain. I took the road more traveled and more discouraged. I continued to play. And glad am I that I did. Work was done.

Thought about the lack of sleep and the work that I have to do today. I am completely restarting my Saxophone piece that I am writing, save for a few interesting motives that it created. Well...we'll see maybe I won't. I don't really know yet.

Fell asleep listening to Gorecki last night, and starting off my day with Claude Deangle.

Futhon

12.5)

Just finished my first book of the new year. Poetics of Music by Igor Stravinsky.
- http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/STRPOE.html
Great read with much great thought. Some thoughts I pulled from the work while I was reading/thinking.
- Composition is like skimming off the excess when your product is ripe.
- A work of art cannot contain itself.
- The greater the dignity of the angels in the celestial hierarchy, the fewer the words they use; so that the most elevated of all produces only a single syllable.
- The unity of a harmony of varieties.

Much finally made sense when I read this book. The idea of one note coming from an oboe being just as powerful as a full orchestra. The beauty of music is not in the colorful chords it can create (although there is a great sense of awe) for this will pass. The beauty of music is not in the quick passages in a virtuosic piece. (though this is just as stunning). The beauty of music is in the phrase, the motive, the instrument, the diaphragm of the performer/interpreter, the chord progression, the melody, the passage, the repetition, the variety; the beauty is in the mathematical precision from the notes on the page to the performance. That is where music lies. Not in the composers head. Not in the fingers of a soloist. Not in the baton of the conductor. It lies in the idea that is music. The careful deliberate preparation for a single point in time, Chronos, and the succession of moments to follow. Chronos

Much finally made sense.

Futhon

12)

Decided to fore go playing in light of my lesson (which seems backwards, but is not). Slept an extra hour, but when I finally decided to get up I realized it wasn't going to be easy. Spinning about my room putting a shirt on and finally sitting down required a lot of work.

Lesson in 2 hours, shower in 1. Composition until then. (with some tea and water mixed in there. Kinda pastes everything together)

Futhon

11)

I finally saw the labor of this past week bear fruit. Much came together this morning and only more can come together tomorrow morning as well. Was very excited to start up the Bartok sonatina again and look forward to listening to some of his scores later. I'm having trouble audiating and hearing the tones within the Debussy. I'll have to try it later on a piano with overtones, but the possible explanation is that I am not in tune with the piece yet. This is not good. I'll grab some Debussy with the Bartok.

For some reason I thought about all my encounters with African-Americans. Was not exactly my usual line of thought, but was interested how each situation produced a different thought line in my head. I would prefer not to be quoted here... Other thoughts were on my lack of coffee and tea. Other than that stayed fairly focused.

Spent the majority of last night listening to Mendelssohn and Shostakovich. It was a pleasure to dwell in the minds of a much more formulated mind than mine. More Shostakovich today, along with some Saint-Saens.

Futhon

10)

A good hour and a half. Focused on technique for the first 30 minutes and then focused on Kabalevksy and Debussy. The sonatina is coming right along and I see no reason why I should not be on the last movement be next week. I'm finally beginning to understand the contour of the Debussy and I hope that more purposeful practice will only enlighten its' inner mysteries.

I heard a story yesterday (quite innocent party to) about 2 gay penguins. For some reason this was on my mind for the first half of my practice. It was supposedly a true story, but nature is supposed to stay its' course. I dismissed the idea. Such crazy talk does not deserve to be thought about.

Writing then class, class, class then writing.

Fuhton

9.5)

With this practice I realized how much of my "former glory" I had lost. I was no longer a pianist able to hear the subtalties of his instrument. I was no longer a pianist able to control his music. I was no longer a pianist, but a mirror, a shadow of what I had been. I saw how far I had fallen, looked at where I had landed, and decided I would rise again. But this time, no creation of man could bring me down from the plane of musical awareness I had once been at. My ear will return to where it once was and will exceed beyond that. I will conquer previously conquered ground and I will claim a farther goal.

Thought much of what you read while I played.

Early morning tomorrow. 1.5 hours of practice. 1 hour of composition.

Fuhton

9)

Quick practice focused on learning new exercises and the third movement of Kabalevsky. Feel like I acquired some knowledge on how to play and how to think about this Russian sonatina. The exercise is focused on building my right hand's mobility and my left hands flexibility and memory.

Was focused on getting done in time (which I did) and acquiring insight. Thought about church, work, and homework. Unsure still of a place for church, but was excited about the relaxing nature of where I work.

Reading, listening, planning, and writing later.

Fuhton

8)

First practice under my new regime. Felt good and short, but I know (and wish) i could practice more. Such is life. I will practice more tomorrow. Debussy started to come together. Finally felt like I had an idea of what was going on in the first 2 pages. Now to get lost in the last 4. Ugh. Started the 3rd movement of the Kabalevsky Sonatina. Went well. I think I will enjoy the study of 9/8, 6/8, and 2/4. It should open up my feel of dance to 4/4 rhythm. I see no problem with that.

Was pretty focused this practice. I have to learn to think critically and quickly in a short amount of time so that I can get as much accomplished as possible. Did think about getting a new pot for my plant, or possibly a partner in crime for him. We'll see about that. Need some cash before I can do that though.

Excited for today and what it holds. Ugh...just realized I have class in 20 mins. Goodbye my hour of composition.

Fuhton

7)

So...where's that melody? Somehow I'm thinking that I can write a piece without a melody, suggestive chord structure, a phrase, a sphere of ideas. The melodic piece is devoid of melody.

Got up from the piano, shut down the program, and pushed in my seat. Sat down to write this post, turned on Jason Mraz (I'm not sure about him yet) and realized...I'm an idiot. I need a melody for a piece. There is typically some ingredient missing when the pie doesn't bake. Read the directions Fuhton.

Fuhton

6)

Question: when you play your music.... is it all you think about? ... are you happy?

Fuhton: First off, Thank you for asking. This is actually something I have been "thinking" about and examining.

As an artist is it important for me to concentrate and think about my work while I am practicing so that when it comes time for me to make art my body is trained in such a way to make it seem natural, and true enough it must be. So yes, it must consume me and I must consume it. But this does not always happen. My thoughts typically pass through my present ideological state, philosophical state, my future states, and my previous states.

Am I happy? If the reason is right then how can I not be? This is another thing I have been thinking through at the present. Why am I disciplining myself so much? I have found my answer and I am happy about finally convincing myself it is why I do this.

But you are not curious for me alone. Figure your own life Forest. You seem to think you know what you want and what will give you a nice life. But life is a series of unfortunate events that we must smile upon. There is no fairy tale. There are no heroes. Don't do what gives you promise. Do what makes the most sense.

Fuhton

5)

1 hour of 1 piece. Played Kabalevsky for 1 hour. 60 bpm. 68 bpm. 76 bpm. 92 bpm. 100 bpm later.

I was bored almost the entire time, but I knew that I had to play the entire piece at each speed. At the end of the 4th time at 92 bpm's I felt and listened to my progress and felt much better about myself afterwords. Progress is a great thing. More to come later tonight and later tomorrow.

4)

Well past midnight. Felt the urge to stretch my sore fingers. Felt great. Briefly touched Kabalevksy. Studied exercises hard.

I thought of what I am. "Who am I?" I asked myself over and over again. Never came to a conclusion. Kinda just an idea. I am a Human, designed to think and do work, I do work so I achieve something with my life, I think so I might enjoy this work, figure out what I achieve, and think upon other human's achievements. I am no special. I am in a long line of Humans who have given the world to me. I will take it.

That is what I am.

Fuhton

3)

6.30: Coffee and John Butler. A good morning.

2)

Brahms, Kabalevsky, Debussy, Hoffmiester, Schumann. My hands already ache and it's not even 8.00 AM. Lot's of big arpeggios and what not. No wonder I'm so far behind. The Brahms excerices are coming along. #37a will be done by this week thankfully. Kabalevsky...i'm having trouble with the page turn. Somehow the hardest section for me is split between back and front. Debussy...well it's Debussy atm. It'll all flatten out and expose itself as a simple work sooner than later. The high classical of Hoffmiester is something I have not encountered in my usual lessons. Creates quite a problem when I go to play it correctly. Regardless it is slightly better than what it used to be and will continue to be such. Schumann: This will be my biggest challenge all semester. Maybe my Saturday will be dedicated to 1 or 2 of the movements.

I had many queer dreams last night, some while I lied awake thinking about my coffee that was to brew at 6.30. Oh that coffee. While playing I thought of having a different life, getting shot at, and seeing the person I miss the most. The greatest fear I think I'd ever feel is if a gun was being pointed at me. But I do not know...nor do I ever hope to.

In all breakfast in 15 mins and piano lesson in an hour and 15. Busy day.

Fuhton

1.5)

Felt the need to practice more for tomorrow's rehearsal with Sam (chuck norris to all of you). I'm almost ready for it, few fingerings and touch problems here and there, but overall I'll be ready.

Didn't think to much during the practice. Stuck to the music and the problem of not being able to play it. Much was accomplished I hope.

I'll have to put in more time tomorrow morning to make sure I'm ready.

Fuhton

1)

I just finished my first hour of practice in my new surroundings. It felt good to get up, walk ten steps, put on a pair of headphones, and begin to play the piano. It brought back many many memory's of when I would play for hours on end, just thinking my life through.

Today one of the last things that I thought about was Elizabeth Bennett's love for Mr. Darcey. How did it come about? At what point does she actually love him? When she sees his house? I don't know, was it that portrait of him, with the housekeeper in the background telling her of his kindness and goodness. Is that what love is? An appreciation of another's character. I did not suppose to put a definition to love while practicing, but I thought it worth thinking.

Then I made a mistake, time to back up and practice that section. I realized what I was thinking about and wondered how in the world I had arrived at such a thought. So I started to back track. And my mind wandered into Bingley and (oh what's her name)....Jane's love. This once again was character, but in all the movies they put him out as such an idiot. I don't know what she saw in him.

By this time in my practice I realized I should stop thinking about such books and movies and decided that the section I was playing was horrible...so I practiced that for the next 10 minutes, and then moved on to the next piece. Then the alarm went off for 8.05 and here I am

Fuhton